Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Christmas Gift Ideas!
Lil' Fracker Fracking Kit - Just add water! Freeze blocks and break them apart using the included squeeze box and the secret proprietary blend of included fracking fluids (please don't drink, and careful, they're flammable!). When you're done, just pour the liquid down the drain. Is that legal? Who cares, that's someone else's problem! Oil will not work in cars or small engines, just like the stuff that comes out of real fracking. Only $7,999 with $7,900 mail-in rebate. Also get the horizontal drilling kit.
Mayan Calendar 2013 - The Mayans have realized their mistake and released a new calendar completely revised and updated for the the next b'ak'tun. Lovely pictures of pyramids and the rain forest. Never miss an appointment - keep track of all your important dates for the next 5,125 years. Please don't panic when it runs out, though.
Build your own drone kit: Sure to be the best-selling item every Christmas from now on! Why should the government have all the fun? Assemble the parts to make a remote control drone of various sizes and configurations, then use your Web browser to surveil your parents, next-door neighbors, the mailman, or anyone at school you don't like. Soon the Bug Splat™ add-on will make sure your little sister's Ken and Barbie weddings are a thing of the past. Don't be surprised if a military recruiter contacts you if you buy one, though.
Bushmaster assault rifle - Because absolutely anyone, anywhere, of any age and mental capability, can have any weapon whatsoever, no matter how lethal. All your friends already have one, so you'd better get yours quick while supplies last (and before Obama takes them away!) High capacity magazines and armor piercing rounds sold separately.
Tiny Tykes™ body armor - Sized especially for children. See above.
Betty Bedpan doll - Don't forget that special little girl! Betty Bedpan comes with a timer and organizer for her 50 daily medications. Spoon feed her, and she'll randomly empty her bowels into the included bedpan - be sure to change it or things might get smelly! Also comes with catheter, breathing tube, defibrillator, and blood draw kit. Betty Bedpan will keep girls (and boys) plenty busy as she needs round-the-clock care. Certified by the Department of Labor as a legitimate job training program (along with the EZ-Broil Deep Fryer Kit).
Monsanto™ Old MacDonald Starter Kit - Comes with everything you need to get started on your micro-farm: Monsanto™ brand genetically modified Roundup Ready™ seeds, Monsanto™ brand fertilizer, and Monsanto™ brand herbicides. Even 24 hour on-line and phone support from Monsanto! Only $19.95. Unfortunately, you have to buy Monsanto™ brand seeds and fertilizer forever after to use it more than once, at $1000 a pop. Use any other products in conjunction with this kit and Monsanto will see you in court (remember, your neighbor has a drone kit). Related is the High Times Cannibis Indoor Grow Kit, only available in Washington state.
Splice-A-Gene Genetic Modification Kit - Why should agribusiness have all the fun? Create your own mutant strains of all your favorite foods - wheat, vegetables, corn, soy, even animals, in the comfort of your own home. Glow in the dark broccoli? Sure! Plants that secrete insecticide? Why not? Chickens with four legs? Have at it, Frankenstein! You're limited only by your imagination! What will the results be? Who knows? Who cares?
Wall Street Monopoly - Expanded addition lets you bribe regulators, change rules on the fly, get unlimited money anytime (not just by passing "Go") and there is no "Go To Jail." Buy up the entire board and charge whatever you want forever - the game never ends!
RoboFactory from Japan - Fully automated factory turns out products by the hundred, just add raw materials. Absolutely no effort or labor is needed to run your factory, just plug it in an go, and watch the profits roll in!
High speed rail line - A best-seller in Europe and Asia and this year's must-have. Construct rail lines around your house or property by linking rails up to hundreds of yards long. Then put the train on the rails and watch it go up to two hundred miles an hour! Next year they will release the magnetic levitation version for even faster speeds! High-tech! Solar powered! This is my favorite toy of the year, but it's totally unavailable in the United States for some reason.
Happy Holidays all!
Posted by escapefromwisconsin at 11:34 AM