All Of Area Man's Hard Work Finally Pays Off For Employer (The Onion)
SAN DIEGO—Following seven straight years of long hours at the office and sacrificed weekends and holidays, all of account manager Sam Hemstead's hard work and single-minded devotion to Pinnacle Automotive Insurance has finally paid off for CEO Charles Pardahee, Pardahee said Friday.Recession Success of Walmart, McDonalds Proves God “Kind of a Jerk” (Glossynews.com)
"There were definitely some nights I'd lie awake in bed and wonder, 'Is Sam absolutely killing himself day in and day out for nothing?'" Pardahee told reporters while driving to his weekend home in a recently purchased 2012 BMW luxury sedan. "But Sam just put his head down and never looked back, and this year his blood, sweat, and tears have proven profitable to the tune of a 15 percent larger bonus for myself."
"It just goes to show that if you're really passionate and dedicated, eventually it all comes back around to your superiors," Pardahee continued.
The stress-related physical and psychological tolls for Hemstead, 34, have been high, but the hypertension, weight-gain, and crippling migraine headaches he has suffered due to his rigorous work schedule have been worth the rewards he has reaped for his employer, Pardahee confirmed.
"I'm sure there were times when Sam wondered if it was all really worth it, especially considering he had to pay for a lot of his medication and doctor's visits out of his own pocket," said Pardahee, who in 2009 forced all his account managers to become contract employees so he would no longer have to provide them with health care benefits. "But he never complained once, and now that Sam has helped Pinnacle earn record profits by not taking a single day off for more than five years, I can finally relax and take another long vacation to Turks and Caicos. After all, Sam earned it for me."
The CEO added that nothing is more satisfying than a job well done by someone else.
As a sign of His contempt for mankind and its ways, God has played the biggest practical joke of all time by allowing the worst exploiters of the economy and the human work force to be the only ones making a profit in the present recession.
Both Walmart and McDonald’s have had huge profits while the rest of the economy has floundered. The masses of people, fearing layoffs, foreclosures and looming poverty have been flocking to the renowned cheap mass market outlets to save their dwindling cash reserves.
Meanwhile, honest small businesses who do not have the immense capital or slave labor that Walmart and McDonald’s enjoy have sunk under and gone out of business.
The working and middle class that they employ are laid off, losing jobs, losing hard earned savings, and losing health insurance coverage while the worst two perpetrators of labor and environmental exploitation make out like bandits. It is an irony only God could create.